hmn
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree, the elliseswere sort of weird, but otherwise it was the perfect girl-meets-boy, girl-falls-in-love-with-boy, boy-falls-in-love-with-girl, happily ever after story.
I HAD A BIT OF A PLIGHT AND NOW IT IS READY TO BE READ...
She was on target on about everything. It would have been nice if you had not rushed the ending.
Aww, this is very fluffy cute.
On to the criting...
1. Get rid of the elipses. There are essentially useless here, and they make for poor structure.
2. Wordage issues, somewhere on some thread Snoink talked about this, the diction you use sets the setting for your piece. Be consistant. For example, you use the the word lass; now I am suddenly propelled into Longshanks' Scotland or Brigadoon. It would be fine if you continued on that trend, but you don't. The word lass sticks out like a sore thumb.
3.
- with nor you imply that the things are seperate, that a typical Christian doesn't have moral values. Also re-structure: Christian, nor was he.
4. Character development. You spend a lot of time describing physical features, and that's perfectly fine, except you fall short on other key aspects to their character. Plus it makes them seem, esp. Skyler, rather flat.
5.
- this paragraph is a bit mullied, needs some revision. Also, Jon, who is Jon, is Jon's name rather important here?
I hope this helps. Happy drafting! Ciao, CL.